What keeps me going

Our school has this 3-minute (more like 30 minute) club where we meet every two weeks to talk about a book all the teachers are reading (theoretically, at least), or to talk around some theme. The theme today was, "What keeps you going and keeps you inspired to do your job?" It didn't start off promisingly when the first teacher offered, "My paycheck."

Yet today was an amazing day! Magical! I left the school exhausted (that's my natural state this semester, it seems) but absolutely exhilarated. I had learned new things about two of my favorite students, things that I felt honored they'd shared with me; I tutored some kids during our school's "flex" period and worked with one girl who had all these lightbulbs going off and I told her, "B, there is no reason why you can't be doing better in this class than an E. I know you can do this." She nodded in this quiet, pleased little way and said she agreed. It was lovely. Then I thought of an activity to do with the kids to reinforce reflexive verbs and it went as well as I hoped it would (which I know well from experience now that that's not always the case!). I had kids who are never engaged making connections and getting up and moving around and GETTING it! It was amazing. Finally, I had some pretty deep conversations with my 6th hour. They had some great questions about Spanish grammar, really insightful ones, and then they were asking me what language I thought in (so cute! I assured them that I think in English, but that sometimes I think in Spanish, especially if I'm thinking of something I'm going to say in Spanish, because we are a bilingual household. Then they asked if my kids spoke/understood both languages so we talked a bit about that. They just happened to see pictures of my kids on my computer when I was doing a Power Point presentation last week [aside: I played them a video of a song about reflexive verbs that was really clever and was to the tune of "Dance with Me" by Justin Timberlake which they loved]--they had no idea that I had kids and couldn't believe it! So we are really getting to know each other!). I have one student, A, who always translates what I say for her classmates who complain when I speak Spanish and say, "Can you say that again IN ENGLISH, please?" Today she was asking all sorts of incredible questions, and after class I said to her, "A, you've got the bug! You love languages, and you need to keep studying this!" She was all bright-eyed and agreed enthusiastically.

Our Chinese exchange students are in the class now and my student Aw proudly introduced me to his exchange student because he knew I speak Chinese. I spoke with the exchange student, who was really excited that I spoke Chinese for me, although it was surreal for me, speaking Chinese with a Chinese student in Spanish class. J was really tickled and she asked me to tell the class how to say "Hola" in Chinese so all the class could greet our new student. I kept thinking about him, and what a crazy experience it must be for him and the other students to have landed here in Redford. What a different world, a different culture, they are experiencing!

I was able to go around and help a lot of students today when they were working on some translations. In my classes, there is a very significant minority of students who JUST DON'T CARE. I don't know what to do with them. They don't care about their grades, so I can't threaten them or persuade them with that. What can I do? I think a lot about what we have talked about in Ed Psych and how important it is to BELIEVE that all students are smart (I almost want to put that word in quotes--it's so problematic!), and I am amazed at the power of doing that. A is this incredibly charming boy with dark, shining eyes and short cornrows. C is another boy, he is quiet but totally disengaged and when I talk to him he avoids my gaze. A and C were sitting together today, avoiding doing their work and I went up to them and said, "Chicos, cómo les va?" clapping my hands. A kind of did his smirk at me and was like, "Yeah, yeah, we workin', we workin'!" I asked where their books were, where their vocab lists were and I stayed with them till they got it all out. Then I went through the steps with them and didn't let up. I'd ask them a question. Who is the subject here? Who is doing the action? And I'd wait. And they got it all! It was incredible. My mentor had said to me about them, "I don't like to use the word worthless, but..." But they were getting it! They don't care, and they don't try, but it isn't because they are dumb or worthless.

So why is it? I think about that a lot now with the students I'm teaching. I feel like they don't know how to "do" school. I feel like school has never done anything for them. I want them to own their voice and feel empowered, but sometimes I feel at a loss as to how to do that. I asked them for some feedback on what we could do to help them review. I got some really, really crappy, thoughtless answers (and some good ones!). I wrote each student back and told them I wanted more information, I wanted them to be more specific. I tried to be very explicit about what I was looking for. What does this "go over a worksheet" look like for you? HOW do you think playing Jeopardy will help you? I told them that I really wanted to know what they thought. They seemed to feel like I was just asking them to jump through another pointless hoop. I want to break them of that mentality!

I know that metacognition is the buzzword of this program, but I don't think I realized how difficult that is for kids who aren't used to thinking like that. One thing I want to work with my students on when the semester begins--and when I have my own class someday--is teaching them skills to document and take responsibility for their own learning. I want them to be able to critique their own work and give me evidence for the critiques that they make. We talked today in seminar about how we realize that not all of our students are going to end up falling in love with our subject. Many of them are not going to get a good grade. But I don't really care about grades. I want my students to improve. More basically than that, I want my room to be a safe space for them, and for them to feel like there is someone who believes in them and believes they are worth something, even if they don't do well in my class.

But failure is NOT an option. I'm trying so hard to ride all my students. It's *exhausting*, though. I feel like as soon as I stop hounding them, they are going back to goofing off or not doing their work. But what's the alternative? I won't give up on them. I won't think of my job as merely a paycheck. Not this job.

I ended the day with D, a special ed student who tries so hard and who I never feel like I do enough for. I am going to talk with the special ed teacher who he is assigned to about ways I can help him. My heart breaks when he sits there, needing help and I just can't spend all hour with him. I need ideas. He wrote to me on his feedback sheet that he liked the graphic organizer review we did because, "it was helpful to learn and I didn't get in any trouble." !!! That killed me. We worked together after school. I read to him a short dialogue and, by god, he understand quite a bit of what I was saying. I smiled at him and said. "D? Do you realize that I'm reading to you in Spanish and that you are understanding me?" A big grin spread across his face and he was like, "Yeah." I told him I was really proud of him and his effort and that I hoped he was proud of himself, too. He got a B on his test, and he was tickled.

I'm finding that actually teaching now, actually being in the classroom, is causing me to confront some of my philosophies of teaching and learning. For instance, I felt really adamant that having to sign kids bathroom passes and stuff like that was demeaning and inhuman. If a kid (a young adult!) needs to go to the bathroom, I thought, they are mature enough to decide that for themselves. They don't need to grovel to me for permission. Then, last week, the kids had 10 minutes before the test to look over their notes and prepare. In two separate classes, two separate kids (A.x, who is a riot: this funny, nervous, chatty boy who makes me happy when he walks into the room but who is not a very motivated student and C, a funny, charming but totally disengaged boy) wasted the whole ten minutes talking and goofing around and then, right when I was passing out tests and going to give the listening part asked if they could go to the bathroom. And you know what I said? I said, "Are you KIDDING me?! You just had ten minutes to work or go to bathroom and you spent the whole time goofing off and now you want to go to the bathroom?!"

Today was a good day because I got to work with amazing kids, and I got to hear their stories, and I got to see their lightbulbs go off, and I got to share stuff about me with them and they cared and they were interested, and I got to joke around with my students, and I got to help them and watch them grow. Working with them is such an incredible privilege, and I try every day to take it seriously and honor them and the privilege that is getting to work with them.

They are what keeps me at this.